in a hundred miles of the Republican convention. Unless of course he or she is already dead – professionally speaking.

Try as they may, Republicans just can’t cut it when it comes to luring celebrities. This may have something to do with George W Bush himself, not to mention his sidekick Dick Cheney, whose lip fairly curls with derision at the merest mention of the “c” word.

Only a week or two ago, Bush made a nasty little jibe at rival John Kerry for sourcing his foreign policy from Hollywood. For a man who is capable of mangling even one-syllable words, the amount of contempt he managed to inject into this three- syllable word was mightily impressive.

It’s a long way from Boston, where Leonardo DiCaprio and Ben Affleck helped waiters to clean up after a Kerry bash at Luis’s, and Natalie Portman, John Cusack and Chloe Sevigny, and every other rising Hollywood star (not to mention several dozen who are currently on a downward trajectory), vied to be seen at the velvet ropes that ringed the city’s hottest spots.

It’s fair to say that Republican-supporting celebrities may come as close to appearing before a crowd at Madison Square Gardens during the GOP (Grand Old Party) convention as they are ever likely to get. Indeed, they should savour the moment: it is likely to be the only time in their careers that they can say they played “the Garden”.

Celebrity types tend to have fairly fragile egos. The old Groucho Marx quip about not wanting to belong to any club that would want him as a member doesn’t really ring true here. But, frankly, the Republicans haven’t really done the requisite amount of fawning required.

Bush’s invitation to the celebrity world is, as they say here, a day late and a dollar short. It is also compounded by the fact that Republicans can’t tell a celebrity from a has-been or, even worse, a never-has-been.

Hence the truly dismal list of celebrity cheer leaders for Bush. Top of the list is Bruce Willis. But when Bruce was asked to do a star turn at the convention he hastily demurred. His publicist Samantha Mast said he was “busy touring with his band the Accelerators” at unheard-of venues across the US.

Ditto Britney Spears, who last year touchingly announced that she “trusted her president to do what’s right”. But Britney also sent her regrets to Dubya; something about a prior appointment with a tattoo artist. Ricky Martin, who stormed off while performing a number at the Bush inaugural celebrations – responded with “thanks but no thanks”.

The 2004 celebrity line-up looks very like the 2004 GOP convention line-up – just older and longer out of the limelight. The entertainment – in the loosest possible sense – will be provided by country artists The Charlie Daniels Band, Lee Ann Womack and The Gatlin Brothers, and various Christian bands that apparently sell CDs by the truckload on late-night television.

There are rumours that Bo Derek may show, as may Kelsey Grammer, who has plenty of time on his hands now that Frasier has been axed. Kid Rock is also on the guest list as is Ricky Schroeder, the baby-faced blonde chap who starred in NYPD Blue for a season. And that’s it.

Even Democrats who normally live in New York are fleeing the city lest they be snapped in unintentional proximity to a Republican. New York dwellers Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins and Alec Baldwin are taking no chances – they’re leaving the country. Others like Richard Gere, Al Pacino, Harrison Ford, Woody Allen, Norah Jones, Jerry Seinfeld, Ed Norton and Lenny Kravitz are fleeing for the relative sanity of the Hollywood Hills or the Hamptons.

The upside of all this is that anyone looking for a skinful of free drink at one of the scores of corporate- sponsored bashes that are taking place during the convention may find themselves surprisingly welcome. Ordinary New Yorkers may even score a table at one of those NY restaurants where the maître d’s normally collapse into bouts of laughter before calling the bouncers. The only downside – there won’t be any celebrities to rubberneck.

29 August 2004

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